


Athazagoraphobia

by meloshi



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Because they're still around as ghosts, Character Death, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, Supernatural Elements, beware the underlying background plot, but yeah people die, compared to other fics, not really - Freeform, relatively at least
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 04:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meloshi/pseuds/meloshi
Summary: Roxas - a somewhat reserved 17 year old boy with the power to see ghosts, who are still in the world of the living because of unfinished matters or wishes - never allowed himself to indulge in his "disability" to communicate with ghosts.He somehow finds himself in a series of events which makes it impossible to ignore the existence of these ghosts any longer, and thing just get a little out of hand as he attempts to help each of them move on from the state of limbo they've found themselves in.





	1. Metathesiophobia

**Author's Note:**

> cross uploading this on here from my ff.net account too because I actually like this story and it's not awful like my older works aha  
> Family dynamics in this is gonna be: Sora + Roxas twins with Cloud/Leon being their adoptive parents (their mum is alive but because of her work which has a lot of travelling etc. she put them up for adoption but also keeps in touch with them!)  
> Riku has a dad of some description but most importantly is Zexion and Fuu being his cousins (Vexen being Zexion and Fuu's guardian)  
> Namine is the daughter of Ansem  
> Kairi lives with her grandma

**Chapter 1 - Metathesiophobia**

****_Metathesiophobia:_  
Sometimes referred to as metaphobia (from Greek meta, "change"), is the fear of changes.  
Sufferers of this fear may not want anything different from what they already have.   
****_These individuals may have a comfort zone that they do not wish to disrupt by bringing anything unfamiliar into their lives._

**_Roxas is comfortable with ignoring the supernatural in the world around him  
and would very much like to keep on ignoring it._ **

* * *

 

_"Don't look them in the eyes. Don't let them see your eyes."_

These two phrases were burnt into Roxas' mind ever since he was 5 and he was going to follow them through until the end no matter what. He wouldn't look at them, he wouldn't talk to them, he wouldn't touch them. He would have absolutely nothing to do with them at all and he intended to keep it that way for all time with all the might he had inside him. The ability he had of seeing ghosts was by far the biggest inconvenience in his entire life and the worst part of it? The fact it wasn't just seeing them, but hearing them and even going as far as to have physical contact with them. As far as he saw it, it was all just one big curse that he had to deal with for the rest of his life, alone. Cloud and Leon, his two fathers, wouldn't talk about it and wouldn't even let him tell his own twin brother. It wasn't all gloomy and sad though, as long as he could recognise who was and wasn't spirits or ghosts which, believe it or not, became easier with time. Clothing, speaking mannerisms, the way they walked (if they floated or not that meant), were all dead giveaways - pardon the unfortunate pun - of whether a person wasn't of the living world.

One thing that Roxas hated more than anything though? The lack of contact he had with anyone. Living in fear of accidentally getting himself wrapped up in some kind of ghostly adventure meant not reaching out and touching anyone. It meant not having the freedom to reach out and grab someone's hand in case it looked like his grasping at air and looking like a fool to other people. In all the conditioning he had been taught, he didn't have the courage to touch anyone, not even his family, unless they instigated it.

It was a summer day, the very first day of the holidays and the sun was blazing high in the sky, radiating an immense heat and the brightest light it could. The sky was clear with no clouds obstructing the view of the beautiful blue shade it had adorned for the equally beautiful day. The birds sang sweet melodies in pleasant chirrups that would surely calm anyone who heard them. A breeze rustled the leaves of the trees, making them dance in a gentle sway and everything seemed as perfect as it could get.

Cloud had decided that Roxas and Sora needed to get outside and make the most out of the summer time while they could as when the summer would be over they would be back at school for their final year of college. The twins were 17 and ready to go their separate ways and follow their dreams, just as soon as exams were over and done with that was. The idea of finally being able to go out into the world and do whatever he wanted to filled Roxas with anticipation. The idea of going to a town where no one knew his childhood mistakes and tales of talking to ghosts and seeing dead people made him excited to start anew and have a new life.

The twins had chosen to go to the beach along with some of Sora's friends, but which ones, Roxas wasn't entirely sure. His brother had always been more outgoing and had always had no problem putting himself out there. It was a stem of jealousy for Roxas, as Sora didn't have the curse that he had. He knew that the brunette couldn't help it though and never held it against him, after all ruining the relationship he and his brother had would be of no benefit to anyone involved. So, he went along with Sora with no hesitation, as being around the hyperactive boy who talked to everyone meant he knew who was real and not.

The walk wasn't long to get to the beach, but it was hot. Hot enough to send the two boys into a light sweat as they strolled down the street and across the sand to Riku, Kairi, Naminé, and Zexion.

"Riku! Kairi!" Sora had a sudden burst of energy as he saw his two closest friends, running with newfound energy. The brunette caught the two of them in one of his signature hugs. Roxas liked Sora's hugs. They were real, they were warm, and Sora smelt like their aunt Aerith which was an extremely comforting scent. Roxas quickened his pace to meet up with the others, waving at the group. They met halfway and Roxas smiled, knowing that these people were ones he could trust to be there with the rest of their world, and waved at Naminé and Zexion. Naminé had practically grown up with Kairi, but was the daughter of a man named Ansem whereas Kairi's only family was her grandmother. They were joined at the hip in a sense. Wherever you saw Kairi, you were bound to find Naminé somewhere nearby. Zexion was one of Riku's cousins. He was mostly seen around alone, unless Riku or his sister Fuu was there, but he was always rather quiet, no matter the circumstance.

The six of them walked along the beach where there were many people, Roxas trying desperately to not touch any of them, weaving and dodging every other second to avoid all forms of contact. The group of friends found a nice empty space of beach that they could set up their towels and umbrellas and they all settled down there. Kairi and Naminé took off their oversized shirts (they had matching ones with a strange design that read: Dead Girl Walking on them - most likely some reference to a musical knowing those two) to reveal their swimming costumes, quickly running off down to the ocean to play around in the water. Kairi's was a two-piece pink and floral set and Naminé's was a rather pretty, lacy, white one piece; the two of them were undeniably pretty. Sora and Riku went off to find a place to change, leaving Roxas and Zexion alone to guard their stuff. Roxas was wearing blue shorts and a white shirt, where Zexion was wearing his typical "emo" attire of a black shirt and jacket and ripped jeans. Roxas wondered how the other could stand being in such heat in the clothing he did, but, after their 6-year long friendship, he knew that he wouldn't get anywhere by asking such a question of the mysterious Zexion.

Roxas sighed and flopped on to the towel he'd just laid down on the sand, shutting his eyes and enjoying the cool breeze that passed him by. It was nice to relax in a public place every now and then, surrounded by people he could trust in and believe in.

The heat was unbearably hot and was not pleasant though… He sat up and looked over at Zexion who was sitting a little bit away from him and he smiled when he caught the other boy's eye.

"Hey, Zexion, want me to go grab you an ice cream? I was thinking of that new sea-salt one that Mr. McDuck has been spending the last couple of weeks on trying to make!" Roxas' words seemed to confuse Zexion and that in turn confused Roxas. As Roxas was about to speak again, Sora and Riku came back over. Sora wearing a pair of red swimming shorts and Riku in a pair of white ones with a Mickey Mouse print on them. How  _childish_  and yet so  _perfect_  for Riku. Roxas couldn't hold back a snort of laughter at Riku's attire, to which he received a glare from the silver haired teen.

"Sora! Do you want an ice cream or anything? I was just offering one to Zexion."

"Uhh…" Sora seemed confused too.

"Zexion's not here Rox?" Riku answered for the brunet, equally confused as to why the blonde was talking about his cousin. Sora nodded and everyone there was confused and Roxas was extremely worried.

It… couldn't be? No way…

He looked over to where Zexion was sitting and the boy was definitely there, there was no doubt about that, and yet Sora and Riku denied it. It was definitely Zexion there! The same slightly dark skin, the same cobalt blue eyes, the same slate coloured strangely styled hair, and yet Zexion wasn't there?

"Aha… Sorry! I guess the heat is just getting to me, I must've been seeing things! Well I'm gonna go get that ice cream now, uh, see you in a bit, guys!" Roxas blinked quickly and rushed his words, running off as quickly as he could in the vague direction of the shops.

No, no, no, this was NOT happening. He didn't want this to be happening, not in the slightest, and there was no way it could be! Surely…? If he could see Zexion there so clearly and his brother and Riku couldn't then that could only mean…

No…

Roxas slowed down as the rays of the sun beat down upon him and made him hotter than he could take, coming to a rest in the shade behind a building where no one else seemed to be at. There was a cool wet feeling sliding down his cheek, and as sweaty as he was, there was no mistake that it was a tear. As soon as he realised this, more followed and he couldn't control himself, sobbing out loudly at what this all had to mean.

Zexion was gone…

One of his friends was gone and he didn't even notice. Did Riku even know? Probably not considering the calmness of his answer earlier? It was times like these that Roxas hated his curse. The tears wouldn't stop flowing as he sank to the floor, crouching down and feeling his hope in the world crumbling a little bit more. Why Zexion? He was a good person and had a full life ahead of him, but it was taken away before he could even begin it properly.

Roxas hated being able to see the spirits of those who were dead… He hated it more than anything else that anybody else in the world could ever hate. It was a curse and never brought anything good his way; how could it? This was the icing on the cake though. Finding out one of his friends had died before anyone else had was painful and just made it all that much worse.

Roxas wondered for a moment: if he chose to end his own life, would he stick around as a spirit too? Would he be able to see other spirits, if being dead didn't already give him the ability to see them, and interact with them the way he did now?

A tap on his shoulder dragged him out of his depressing thoughts.

He sniffled and rubbed his eyes against the back of his arm, wiping away the tears so he could see who was talking to him. Roxas looked up.

Zexion…

He quickly turned his face away and pretended he didn't make eye contact.

_"_ _Don't look them in the eyes. Don't let them see your eyes."_ The words echoed in his mind as he abruptly stood up and dried his eyes again, making sure that the remnants of tears were wiped away thoroughly to hid the fact that he had indeed been crying. He began to walk when Zexion's hand grabbed his own.

"You can see me can't you…?" His voice was calm but seemed like something was wrong. I mean, of course something was wrong, he'd just found out that one of his friends could see, touch, and most likely talk to ghosts! Roxas stopped dead (again, pardon the unfortunate pun) in his tracks, freezing on the spot.

"Yes." Nothing else followed the confession but Zexion didn't seem to need anymore said to continue talking by himself to himself.

"So Roxas can see ghosts? What a strange development and peculiar ability… Unless I'm not actually- No that's impossible, if I wasn't then Riku would have most definitely wouldn't have ignored me this entire time, and if that's not enough to convince myself then what else other than my death could explain me being here and me knowing, after having seen it last night, my own body is on my bed at home? Yes, this must be the explanation, perhaps not the most scientific or logical one, but most definitely one that-"

"Are you kidding me?" Roxas interrupted. He turned around and stared Zexion down, despite being just a little bit shorter than him, not caring about the phases that he'd been taught from such an early age. His eyes were slightly darkened and he had an almost disgusted look on his face.

"Are you actually fucking with me Zexion?! Who cares if I can see ghosts and spirits, why are you acting so nonchalant about being dead?! How can you be so calm when you've died and no one has even noticed yet, what's wrong with you?!" Roxas yanked his hand back from Zexion's loose grip.

"Well, it's not as if- "

"No, I don't want to hear it! You're DEAD and you're just floating there like nothing's wrong when clearly there is! You don't understand what this means; I do and it's painful to think it happened, Zexion, you're dead…" The words left Roxas' mouth with a sharp bite to them but he was crying again, unable to control himself at the confirmation of his friend actually dying. What kind of cruel fate led him to have to live such a life as this?

Roxas rubbed at his eyes again in a desperate attempt to wipe the tears away but they didn't stop; they wouldn't stop. Maybe it wasn't just Zexion that brought this along. Maybe it was a combination of all the negativity he'd been forcing himself to push to the back of his mind since forever overflowing from the edge of its captivity and drowning him in a feeling of hopelessness. Zexion shifted awkwardly from left to right, not sure what to do in the situation he'd found himself in.

"I wanted it to be like this." This made Roxas looked at him in the eyes, a wounded look on his face, and look like he wanted to speak again.

"I didn't mean to stay a ghost, that's for definite, but I was the one who chose to take my own life, so don't and act like some higher being cut my lifespan short. I wanted to do this Roxas, it's okay, I don't mind."

"But… why?" Roxas whispered the words so they were barely audible.

"Why would you want…"

"I didn't have the best life Roxas. I don't know if you noticed but I wasn't very well liked by others at school or by my own parents – why do you think I spent so much time at Riku's house rather than at home with Fuu? – and it's tiring living a life in which there's hardly any hope for things to change. I wanted to escape it all, I wanted to run away from the name calling, the punching, the thievery, the lack of any form of love or affection from the people who were meant to give it to me. No one's at fault though. It's just me being selfish. I figure people will be better without me, okay? Just don't think about it too much…" Zexion breathed deeply after admitting his reasons, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as he sighed. Roxas was about to question what Zexion had meant by him being selfish, deciding to completely ignore the fact that his friend had specifically asked him to not think about it, but was interrupted by a shout.

"Roxas! Where are you?" It was Sora. Roxas tried drying his eyes once more and, once he was satisfied with the job he'd done of getting rid of them, ran over to where Sora was. Zexion followed.

"Hey, I'm over here." Roxas smiled as brightly as he could, a physical pain on his cheeks as he did.

"Have you been crying? Are you alright? Did something happen or someone say something bad to you or- "

"I'm fine, I just… got some dust in my eyes and it hurt a lot. It's my own fault for being clumsy." Roxas gently dismissed Sora's worrying hands on his shoulders with his own feeling bad for lying to his brother but feeling like it was the right thing to do, after all it wasn't like he could just tell Sora about Zexion. Sora seemed slightly skeptical but chose to not pursue a line of questioning.

"Riku had to go home because of some family emergency apparently, so it's just you, me, Kairi, and Nami! Oh, and Zexion of course ahaha!" Sora joked around, referring to Roxas' "hallucination" due to the heat. Roxas forced out a laugh and hoped it didn't sound too strained or off to Sora's ears.

A family emergency though. That could only be one thing…

The twins, and Zexion, went off to buy the ice cream that Roxas had originally planned on getting, Sora managing to get a discount from his friend Donald who was working the till. They'd be made to pay the full price and extra if Mr. McDuck was there… Sora got a Double Crunch for himself and a Royalberry ice cream for Kairi and Naminé to share, while Roxas got himself the Sea Salt ice cream he'd been dying (though not literally) to try. Sora stole a bite of it and immediately complained it was too salty to be called ice cream and that he'd stick to his fruit filled mess of vanilla and chocolate. Roxas rolled his eyes, the sea salt ice cream was definitely his new favourite, it was salty but sweet and a welcomed combination to his taste buds. Sora teased it was because Roxas was salty and sweet in terms of personality most of the time, to which he was rewarded with a whack round the head for such cruel (but truthful) words.

They met up with Kairi and Naminé, back where they had set down their towels and spend the rest of the day chatting about their plans (or in Roxas' case, the lack of) for the summer holidays. The idle chitchat served as a way for Roxas to ignore the events of the day, even with Zexion sitting next to him the whole time.

As the sun began to set, the girls waved goodbye to the twins and set off home, prompting Sora and Roxas to do the same. They walked home in the remaining light of the day with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts.

A weight weighed down on Roxas' shoulders, and he didn't know if it was just his friend looming over him for the entire day or if there was something more that was causing the sick feeling in his stomach.


	2. Agoraphobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> has anyone noticed how half these characters have my own personality traits bc i didn't until a week after writing the 5th chapter

**Chapter 2 - Agoraphobia**

_**Agoraphobia:** _

__**Although believed to be just the fear of open spaces,  
** __**is the fear of being in a place or situation without escape.  
** _**Sufferers of this fear often choose to stay away from such circumstances,  
** _ _**Even going as far as being secluded individuals who stay to safe spaces** _ __**without wanting to be caught in an unwanted situations.**

_**Zexion would have loved to keep to himself for the rest of his life  
** _ _**and yet this absolute stranger didn't want to let him.** _

* * *

Roxas arrived home to a warm meal prepared by his dads and to a loving atmosphere that did nothing to calm his nerves as, although he could not see him, he knew that Zexion was there, watching and waiting to continue their conversation. Something about the analytical stare that constantly followed him put him on edge.

Was he finally going to reveal his biggest secret? Albeit, it was to someone who had died already so it wouldn't have as big of an impact as if it were someone who were alive, but still. It terrified him to put it simply. After having spent an eternity trying to hide it, Roxas didn't want to have to tell someone because, although he had the time, he didn't think of how he would ever do it. It was a topic that he never breached. He supposed that telling someone as open-minded (that wasn't perhaps the best word to describe him) as Zexion who was already dead, already a ghost, and smart enough to figure out the fact that he could see ghosts already made it a little bit easier. That and Zexion was his friend so of course it was less weird to start with. Not much could really make it less weird than it was though so that was a major positive.

After having finished his meal, and gotten ready for bed (and wasn't that an exciting time with an extra pair of eyes on him), Roxas was alone in his room and able to talk to Zexion and pick up from where they'd left off at the beach due to Sora's interruption.

"So…" Zexion began to speak, deeming it suitable to as Roxas looked him directly in the eyes for the first time since around about midday when Roxas had realised the current situation that he was in.

"Before you ask, I probably don't have many of the answers you want."

"Noted. You stated you can see ghosts and spirits earlier, is that both or just one of them, because you see there's a definitive difference between the two and not many people seem to know it and even after having known you for as long as I have - 6 years I think? – it is unbeknownst to me how extensive your vocabulary is." Roxas had forgotten how much Zexion talked when interested in a subject.

"Ghosts, spirits, they're all the same to me; it's not like I can tell the difference so I just used the words that could explain them the best." It wasn't the best explanation but it seemed to sate Zexion's need for knowledge in that line of questioning. Or perhaps he didn't see much point in pursuing it with the fact that Roxas wasn't the most informative person and that he didn't expect much from him.

"Do you know why I'm still here? And that isn't a rhetoric, it's me legitimately asking if there's a reason as to why I haven't departed from the human world, because, correct me if I'm wrong, not everybody will stay behind here otherwise it would be extremely crowded. Actually… That makes for a good question in itself. I've confirmed that I can't seem to touch other humans apart from you, which I am assuming is due to the nature of your unnatural gift, but can I touch other ghosts or spirits?"

"Usually people hang about because they have something unfinished to do in this world, or if they have a wish they really want to fulfil, but I don't know, I don't exactly have long conversations with all the ghosts I see because that'd be ridiculous." Roxas paused for a moment and stared out the window, deep in thought. His ran a hand through his blonde hair and sighed as he began to think of an answer to his friend's second question.

"I… Don't know about the whole touching other ghosts thing, I haven't exactly been a ghost myself to try it out and I don't know if you noticed, but I don't exactly like talking to or looking at ghosts." This resulted in a nod from the slate haired boy who seemed to be conspiring something of his own.

There was a strange glint in the dead boy's eyes that perturbed Roxas in a way that gave him a nauseating feeling in his stomach, as if danger was sure to come if he were to continue making small talk (no talk was small when Zexion was involved and inquisitive though so maybe that's not the best phrase to use) with the schemer.

BANG!

A loud thud came from the room next door causing both the boys to turn to the wall, expecting it to speak or make a sign that revealed what had happened.

"Sorry, Roxas! I fell over!" Sora's voice was clear even through the wall that separated them. Roxas sighed and shook his head. That was just typical of Sora. The sudden incident put an end to Roxas and Zexion's conversation and so they decided to call it a night and pick things up the day after.

Roxas fell asleep fairly quickly after turning off his light but, as the night dragged on, Zexion found himself with an inability to sleep.

Part of the joys of being a ghost, he supposed.

Zexion let himself go on a walk, or a float as he really should have called it thanks to his new form, as he tried to clear his head and sift through thoughts and figure out what had kept him in the human world in the state he was in now.

The town at night had a strange atmosphere, one that Zexion wasn't used to thanks to his reclusive lifestyle. The streets were dimly lit with the odd placed lamppost to brighten the gloomy place in the night time and with glowing lights of shops that never closed (most of which Zexion didn't even know existed in such a place like Twilight Town). The ambience was a lot quieter and calmer than the often-bustling streets full of hubbub and chatter from many people. There was no one around to bother him, and it was much like as if he were at home in bed, just with a cool breeze that flittered through his hair.

He wandered the near empty streets with no aim but to pass the time until he could continue his conversation with Roxas. One person that caught his eye in all the loneliness, was one boy of about his own age. He'd never seen him, he most certainly would have remembered a face as pretty as his. Though it was very poorly lit, the boy clearly had a mess of blond hair, a little bit darker than Roxas', in a strange hairstyle that looked as if it took ages to style in such a way, and he had piercingly beautiful sea green eyes, not blue but not green either, but they shone with a childlike glee that were almost as mischievous as his own when he would be plotting something. He had a strong scent of sea water lingering on his body (perhaps from swimming or something of the sort?) that only added to his slightly dishevelled appearance, and charming vibe, and when on earth had he gotten so close to Zexion without him noticing?!

That was a surprise for sure.

"What ya mumbling to yourself for?" The voice cut though the silence of the night and sounded like music to Zexion's ears – so sweet, so soft. It caught Zexion off guard. A ghost? Someone with the same gift as Roxas? He would just have to ask later on if he could. Actually, such a chance encounter was perfect and gave him the opportunity to figure out the answer to many more questions, so he could both stop himself from bombarding Roxas with questions and also taking the time so he could maybe teach Roxas more, since that boy didn't really seem to care about finding out more by himself.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't mumble." He spoke defensively in response. It wasn't as if he didn't know that he often spoke to himself out loud in a rather hushed tone, because he did and he would admit that to himself, but he wouldn't ever openly admit it to someone else, especially not to a complete stranger, not even one as handsome as this one. The stranger made a humming noise that Zexion just knew meant that he didn't buy what he'd said as the truth. He didn't make any continuation on the topic though, deciding to talk more.

"My name's Demyx! You're Zexion, right?" How peculiar that this person knew his name before an introduction but there had to be reasoning behind it, though perhaps a rather creepy one, so Zexion didn't linger on thinking about it in depth, choosing instead to nod in agreement. This brought a smile to Demyx's face.

"Oh wow, you're really calm about all this ain't ya? So, what happened to you? You didn't seem ill after last time I saw you…" And just as quickly as that smile appeared it was gone again, worry replacing it on his face.

"I… What do you mean by last time you saw me? And what are you referring to when you're asking what happened to me? I don't want to have to share my own personal life with a stranger such as yourself if you don't mind, not that even if you do I'll want to talk to you about it." Zexion just wanted to know more about this person, not push him away so much in such little time, yet his words were coming out wrong and were cold to the extremely pretty boy. Not that being pretty meant anything to Zexion either. That would've been ridiculous.

"Sorry… I don't mean to be so upfront with you… I just, well, I just was really excited to talk to you when I heard you died so I was gonna help you out with all your cool ghostly powers and supernatural cool stuff!"

"Ghostly powers and supernatural cool stuff…?" That was something new. He could ask about Demyx being excited another time, perhaps if they became friends? Demyx seemed to be a carefree kind of person who would be a useful asset to obtain information from due to his open nature that was evident from how easily he began speaking to Zexion. He certainly knew more than Roxas seemed to and anything he could learn about his new form would be welcomed with open arms. Anyway, new powers, those sounded interesting.

"Yeah! They're really cool! I had this guy called Xigbar teach me and it took so loooong but I know you're super smart, nice job on that maths exam a few weeks ago by the way, so I'm sure you'll pick it up quickly! Especially with someone as good at it as me for a teacher!" The boy ran a hand through his sandy blond hair and grinned, even winked at Zexion with his last statement. A bit cocky but that seemed to only add to his personality in a positive way. This also served to prove Demyx to be a ghost too if he could do this 'ghostly powers and supernatural cool stuff' which was a nice thing to know.

And so Zexion agreed to the offer and chose to learn about his own new abilities. Wouldn't that surprise Roxas? He wasn't one to pull pranks but it certainly tempted him to do so. By the time the sun was peeking over the horizon, Zexion had managed to pretty much master rematerialising: the act of disappearing and reappearing in a difference place. Often used to get from one's current place of standing to their destination quickly. Looking at the place or imagining the location in mind was the best way to do this as Zexion quickly learned from Demyx's notably good teaching. Maybe the boy wasn't being overly confident with his statement of being a good teacher. It felt a bit weird to feel in two places at once in a split second - kind of nauseating and uncomfortable, like thinking of nothing - but Zexion got used to it quickly, exceeding Demyx's expectations.

"Let's stop here then, seeing as you're already so good at it Zex-" Demyx saw the glare aimed at him. "-ion. So, wanna get some food?" The blonde had learnt that the slate haired boy didn't take too kindly to nicknames, earning himself a rather long telling off after the first couple of warnings he was given. Zexion was taken aback slightly by the offer of food though.

"Ghosts can't eat, can they? I can only assume at least, after all it would be strange if we were to try buy food like those who are alive, and I've not felt hungry this entire time I've been dead so I thought it wouldn't be necessary to eat."

"Well, duh, we don't have to eat, but food tastes nice so we should go get some together!" Demyx grinned and held out a hand to the other male. Rematerialising could be done in small groups, as Demyx had proven earlier that night, so Zexion could experience how it worked, so that would be what Demyx was trying to do.

And as pretty as this boy was (not that it mattered to Zexion, as he would repeatedly tell himself), Zexion did not want to have prolonged contact with him. He would love to stay with his own way of living without Demyx prying into it so shamelessly. He was simply using Demyx to educate himself. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Come on, you've gotta come with me! It'll be fun, promise." The pleading was a little bit pathetic, and yet still endearing somehow. Those two descriptions didn't belong together. What on Earth was the world coming to? Zexion couldn't believe he was being compelled into going with this boy with his personality only.

"Zexion, come on, don't back out on me now, I've wanted to show you this place for ages." Still he pushed to get Zexion to go with him, and this time he grabbed Zexion's hand and began to rematerialise.

No.

No.

No way.

No way in Hell below or Heaven above, if either did truly exist.

Zexion wasn't going to let this happen.

Fuck learning about ghosts from Demyx, he didn't want to go with him to a place he knew nothing about, out of the blue.

When they appeared in the place Demyx wanted to take them, Zexion didn't waste anytime shouting at the blonde, not caring where he was or paying attention to his surroundings.

"You've got to be dead from the head up if you think I'm going to willingly go along with a skilamalink persona such as yourself to an unknown destination, or even be remotely okay with the fact that you forcibly transported me without my spoken consent, hell, even thought consent, if reading minds is something you're capable of, because you, Demyx, have managed to fool yourself rather spectacularly if so!" And with those words out of his mouth, Zexion disappeared, and reappeared in Roxas' bedroom...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those wondering: "dead from the neck up" is an old english insult and is a way of calling a person stupid and "skilamalink" is a Victorian word meaning shady or doubtful, so in the above Zexion is calling Demyx stupid as he is someone he can't trust (yet) as he's a mystery to him still, because he could have ulterior motives or such! I hope that cleared stuff up for y'all!


	3. Phronemophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SoRiku centic chapter this time ;0 (I'll most likely swap between each pairing each chapter to keep things s p i c e e) this is quite possibly the gayest chapter so far (and asian riku??? sign me the f u c k up)  
> Also!!! FFX kids!!! They're there bc they can be and I love Yuna with all my heart

**_Phronemophobia:_ **

****_Derived from the Greek word phron ("thinking") is the fear of thinking.  
_ ****_Sufferers of this fear will work hard to avoid particular thought patterns,  
_ **_often preferring to be with others and staying active to aid this.  
_ ** ****_Reality and imagination are difficult to differentiate between for these individuals._

**_Sora didn't like when his family kept secrets from him,  
_ ** **_resulting in him constantly wanting some form of distraction and validation._ **

* * *

"Holy shit, what the fuck?!" Roxas exclaimed noisily as Zexion popped up in front of him as he was getting changed. He stumbled over his own feet that he was attempting to fit into a pair of brown trousers, falling over onto the floor with a loud thud. Stumbling and clambering came from outside Roxas' bedroom and then the door was swung wide open. Cloud, Leon, and Sora were all standing there in shock, wondering.

"Roxas, are you okay?" Cloud rushed in and helped his son to his feet, making sure he wasn't hurt in anyway. The boy swatted his dad's hands away and quickly pulled up his trousers, buttoning them up, and brushing himself down.

"I'm fine, I just…" His eyes briefly met Zexion's before he looked back at his family. "I tripped over some books I left out! Ahaha, I'm too clumsy sometimes, aren't I? I'm fine though. I'm fine."

"…Sora can you go finish setting the table for breakfast?" Leon put a hand on his other son's shoulder with a smile. The smaller brunet nodded and headed downstairs by himself.

"Something's there, isn't it? Roxas we told you not to pay attention to them!" He spoke again, after Sora was definitely downstairs and he'd closed the door. Roxas nodded with a sigh.

"Are you sure you're okay though? It didn't hurt you?" Cloud questioned. Roxas shook his head, ignoring Zexion's mutterings of not being an "it".

"No, he just startled me and appeared out of nowhere, it's fine though, it's only Zexion." Leon and Cloud shared a worried look.

"Zexion? As in little emo?" Leon asked quizzically, earning him a jab in the side from his husband for the nickname.

"Riku's cousin, yeah… It's a long story." Roxas looked over at his ghost friend again, giving a weak smile at the ghost who was looking particularly uncomfortable from the situation he'd found himself in, as the topic of conversation.

"We have time to listen, Roxas, it must be hard for you at the moment, right?" Cloud offered, choosing his words carefully, as he understood what the whole thing meant. Imagine still talking to your friend after they've died as if they were still alive. It was a horrifying thought, one that Cloud was sure would scar anyone who would have to go through it. Roxas nodded as he started tearing up, not sure why exactly, other than the possibility to let out everything that was going through his mind the other day after having found Zexion dead before anyone else.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Sora sat at the table, a plate of sunny side up eggs, beans, and toast in front of him and three other empty seats. He was already half way though his plate of food and still no one was there with him. He could swear he could heard shuffling and the occasional sobs from above, but didn't want to check what it was.

It was a common occurrence after all…

Sora loved his brother. He adored him to bits, and the same could be said for his two dads as well, and yet he felt they didn't care for him in the same way sometimes. When he was younger, it happened a lot more and it wouldn't be unheard of for him to have to spend days over at Riku's because of Roxas. It wasn't as if he knew what was going on or why it had to be like that but he felt left out. His dads and Roxas had some kind of secret between them and it was saddening to be alone, in the dark, without any clue as to why he was there. Cloud did his best to keep him included and Leon would even go on special weekend trips with just the two of them, which was great and all, but Roxas was always so uneasy around him that it… It hurt. His own brother didn't trust him enough to tell him whatever it was that was so obviously troubling him. They were twins! They didn't need to keep secrets from each other!

Sora sighed and finished his breakfast not dwelling on the thought for much longer than he already had.

Still no one…

He put on his shoes and slipped out the house after leaving a note for his family telling them he'd gone to hang out with Tidus and his group of friends. So, he left and made his way to the Arcade.

During his walk, he decided to think more on what Roxas was hiding from him, knowing it wasn't anything bad, and he probably didn't mean any harm by it either, it was just the fact he was hiding it from him. Did he think he couldn't keep a secret? Impossible! Sora was the best at keeping secrets, like that time he… Like that time that… Like that time when… Okay, so maybe people didn't tell him secrets, but he was sure that if given the chance he could keep a secret really well! He just needed a chance was all.

He kicked a pebble across the street, scuffing his shoes against the concrete path slightly as he did. It was a tough life.

He got to the Arcade and saw Tidus and his gaggle of friends all messing around on the DDR machine, Yuna and Rikku dancing to a high synth, bass boosted, upbeat song. The blond caught sight of Sora and smiled wide.

"Sora! Hey, we're over here!" Tidus was always so happy, especially after Yuna accepted his proposal to be a couple with him. You should have seen him, whooping, and laughing, and giggling like a child and not believing it at first, even asking Wakka to pinch him to make sure it wasn't a dream (which he did and which hurt, a lot more than expected).

"Hey guys! Yuna kicking Rikku's ass at DDR again?" Sora joked as he joined the group. Tidus, Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Wakka, and Lulu were there today, which was pleasant as it was most of their friend group together; Sora felt as if he was intruding in on their plans but he needed a distraction to stop his mind from wandering too far, too quickly.

"You know she is! She's crazy good at this – it's totally her special skill!" Rikku whined as the song came to an end, her losing, which was to be expected, and Yuna magically getting a Full Combo somehow. The brunette girl laughed and patted her cousin on the back as a she hopped off the game so Tidus and Wakka could have their go.

"I'm not that good, I just happen to have a little more coordination than others is all. Anyways, Sora, why come and hang out with us? I thought you were going to stay home with your dads today?" Yuna asked, curious as to the boy's intentions. He laughed it off with a vague excuse of some kind, not wanting to tell them about what it really was. He loved them all and they were all great friends but he didn't want to burden them with his teenage angst when they all had their own to deal with. No, he couldn't do something like that to them. That's what Kairi and Riku were for! They were his best friends, and he could talk to them about anything and everything without feeling like he would be overstepping any boundaries or saying too much. Sora could confide in his two childhood best friends without worries about them judging him.

Speaking of Riku, what was he doing sitting on a bench by himself?

That was peculiar…

"Hey, sorry, guys, I'm gonna go!" Sora announced, causing Tidus to trip over his own feet as he attempted to turn around to face Sora.

"But you just got here!" He whined as his feet attempted to keep up with whatever movements Wakka was doing, but backwards (and that was a difficult thing to do). Sora apologised once more and ran off, leaving Tidus and his gang dancing away.

"Riku! What ya doing there? Why didn't you tell me you were gonna go out today, I'd've loved to get away from a house of nothing quicker you know!" The brunet went and sat down next to his friend on the small bench, which meant their thighs were a mere centimetre from touching.

"Oh, Sora, sorry, I just had some stuff to think about alone…" Riku sounded down. Really down. There was a melancholy tone to his voice that Sora hadn't heard very often before and he didn't like it in the slightest.

"Stuff like how unbelievably cute and handsome and adorable I am but you can't think about it with others around because of how totally gay that'd make you?" Sora batted his eyes and pouted, unable to keep a small giggle out of his voice as he jested – the jesting being for Riku's behalf only though. Riku looked at how silly his friend was being and couldn't keep back his laughter, chuckling. There was the Riku that Sora liked. The happy one that would smile that amazing smile that would show off his perfect teeth and make his sparkling aquamarine eyes squint just a little. Ugh, those gorgeous Asian genes of his (and those GORGEOUS Asian jeans of his that shaped his ass like a God's) just made him so… beautiful…

Now, Sora wasn't one to gush over how great his friends were, but Riku was different. It was kind of like how he would constantly try to impress Kairi when he was younger, but less innocent and more guilty feeling. With Kairi, he liked her a lot and she had always been pretty that was for sure, but with Riku… With Riku it was so much more. It was like their friendship but with the occasional: hand holding, cuddles in bed, sneaking out at midnight to go and eat ice cream together, and worst of all, pecks on the cheek and short-lived kisses that could melt into something deeper and intimate. Sora hated it but loved it all at the same time. He didn't want to admit it but he most certainly had feelings for Riku.

Only problem was that he didn't want to ruin his already great relationship with the other. So, he was happy to live as he was, happy to just be close to Riku, without pursuing something more.

"Sure, Sora, let's go with that." Riku sighed, knowing he shouldn't have expected anything less from his eccentric friend, smile not leaving his face as he focused on cracking his fingers. The brunette stared at his friend and swung his legs back and forth, wondering that to say next.

"I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I can lend an ear if you want…?" He tilted his head slightly in encouragement to get Riku to open up to him, which seemingly worked and Riku stopped fiddling around with his hand and turned slightly to face Sora, bumping their legs together (and wasn't that a pleasant feeling for Sora).

"So, you remember yesterday, right? How I had to leave early because of a family emergency?" Sora nodded, wondering where his friend was going with this.

"Well… Something happened…" Riku seemed reluctant to talk about it.

"Hey, hey, it's okay! You don't have to tell me, it's fine I just- "

"No Sora, I want to tell you. It's about Zexion." Riku inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled, shutting his eyes and trying hard not to cry. Sora could tell. He was shaking slightly, biting his bottom lip, and breathing deeply through his nose. Sora hesitantly reached out a hand to hold on to one of Riku's to be supportive of him, gently resting his hand on top of the silver haired teen's. Riku laced his fingers with Sora, making his heart skip beat, and held on to him tight.

"Zexion died yesterday. I… I don't know what happened but he… was…" Riku couldn't hold back the tears as he gripped onto his friend's hand tighter and cried, his other hand on his face and trying to stop the droplets from falling. Sora was lost for words. He would have never imagined…

He wasn't the closest person to Zexion – he wasn't actually sure if there was anyone who could be deemed close to the antisocial shorty – but he knew that Riku did love his cousin and after all he'd done for him (getting him out of the house, socialising, and talking, actually talking, to people) Sora knew that his friend must have been broken from the news. He didn't know what to say to Riku. That it'd be okay? That he'd be alright? Neither options sounded right; they both sounded like cop outs on what was a real answer.

So, he stayed quiet.

He held on to Riku's hand and let him cry.

It was all he could do.

They stayed like that for a while until Riku finally calmed down enough to talk again, Sora not letting go of Riku for one second, revelling in the prolonged contact with his crush.

"I'm sorry, I got a bit emotional there, didn't I?" Riku laughed weakly, Sora shook his head.

"It's fine! I totally understand, or well I don't understand but I can empathise! Or is it sympathise…? I don't know but you know what I mean right, Ri?" Sora tried his best to explain himself but ended up rambling slightly and just feeling like he'd done a bad job of cheering up his dearest friend. But Riku laughed.

"Thanks Sora. For being here with me. I…" His face was slightly red (from the tears?) but he sighed again and simply shook his head, deciding not to finish his sentence.

"Thanks." Sora blushed at the gratitude he was getting. It was too much to bare at once. Holding Riku's hand, getting thanked by him, simply being with him alone for such a long time… He was truly in love.

"N-no problem!" Sora grinned and bit back an  _I love you_  from being said. Then Riku stood up, still holding his hand and gave a sly smile.

"Race you back to your house!" And he bolted off.

"Hey that's no fair!" Sora shouted after him, running to try at catch up with his friend, laughing the whole time. It was great to see Riku back to his usual self, but Sora knew he would have to be there for his friend more than ever now, not that he minded in the slightest though.

And so, the two of them ran and ran and ran until their legs were tired and their breathing was heavy and they collapsed at the door to the Strifehart residence, grinning wide as they both tried to catch their breath. Riku got their first but the brunet boy didn't waste a second to complain that the other had cheated and got a head start, leading to a light-hearted argument that dissolved into giggles as someone opened the door.

"Cloud!" Sora got up and hugged his dad tight, noticing Leon over his shoulder and waving and beaming from ear to ear.

"Sora, you left so quickly this morning I didn't get to…" Cloud began to speak when he saw Riku standing up and dusting down his trousers, remembering his conversation with Roxas that morning. That was the one that was cousins with Zexion. He felt an urge to be more fatherly towards the silver haired teen.

"You didn't say anything about bringing Riku back with you! I'd have made something for the two of you – does he want to stay for dinner?" Cloud offered, smiling over at the other boy, and moving so he could let his son in. Riku followed and thanked Cloud for the invitation but declined because he had a prior engagement. Sora assumed it was something to do with Zexion again.

Roxas came down the stairs, with Zexion floating behind him, when he saw Riku and his eyes widened.

"Riku! What're you doing here?" His surprise didn't go unnoticed, Leon facepalming and wishing his son would try and be more subtle about things. Riku looked confused but didn't linger on the thought of Roxas and his strange reaction.

"I just came to make sure Sora got back home safe. I'll be leaving soon, but I was hoping for a drink maybe?" Riku ran a hand through his hair and separated his hair from the sweat on his forehead from all the running he'd just done.

"He looks like a mess, he isn't fooling anyone with that smile." Zexion chimed in, talking to himself mostly but only aiding Roxas' concern for his friend. Sora jumped back over to Riku with a glass of water in each of his hands, extending on to Riku. Riku took it and gulped down the water, Sora doing the same, and Roxas shifting awkwardly, moving his weight from one foot to the next. Cloud and Leon had gone off to do their own thing, leaving the three (technically four) boys alone in the corridor.

Riku departed after another glass of water and another thank you to Sora and the twins waved goodbye to their friend.

Sora sighed with a smile. It was a good day, getting to be with Riku to distract him from negative thoughts for the day, and leaving him with memories of holding hands to distract him from negative thoughts for the night.


	4. Alethephobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> axEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE  
>  He was thinking "Hey, this is pretty good for a fanfiction" but then he was all like "THIS IS WAY TOO GOOD FOR A FANFICTION!" so here he is f i n a l l y

**_Alethephobia:_ **

****_Derived from the Greek work aletheia ("truth") is the fear of knowing the truth._  
Sufferers of this fear have different triggers to set off their fear,  
for example: hearing bad news, a new discovery,  
or the knowledge that the truth is being disclosed and disseminated.  
It is rooted in the subjectivity, objectivity, and relativity of truth.

**_Roxas was happy when he had finally found someone to talk to who didn't seem to be a ghost,  
and while it seemed too good to be true, he didn't want to know._ **

* * *

It had been a week.

An entire week since Zexion had died. Riku had broken the news to Roxas, Kairi, and Naminé a few days later and had told them the funeral date which was set for a week after his death date. Which just so happened to be this day.

When Roxas was told the news by Riku, he had to try his best to act surprised by the news, which wasn't the easier job as he had Zexion floating just behind his shoulder at the time. No one seemed to notice though, and it wasn't as if he was faking emotions after all he was still upset over the whole thing. It was just hard to get over sometimes, due to the fact that, to him, his friend was still alive – he could still see and talk to him whenever he wanted to.

Either way, today was the day of Zexion's funeral and it supposed to be a small ceremony with only the closest of Zexion's friends and family. Naturally, that covered just about everyone that Zexion talked to.

As such, Roxas and Sora were all dressed up in black for the occasion. Leon had agreed to be the chaperone for the twins to the funeral and back while Cloud caught up with work. The car ride was quiet, and the venue quiet too. It was too quiet for Roxas' liking, and as it was at a graveyard there was an abundance of ghosts floating around and going about their business. He had to try extra hard to stick close to Sora and Leon's side to avoid touching any of them.

Zexion seemed to be having just as tough a time; other ghosts were coming up to him and giving their condolences and trying to strike up conversations with him as he was 'one of them' as they so subtly put it. He tactfully dodged their attempts to wrangle him into talking to them and stayed close to the Strifehart family, as they made their way to the hall where Zexion's funeral was being held.

So many familiar faces mourning his death made Zexion feel a sick twisting in his heart, as if he'd made the wrong choice… Only he knew it wasn't the wrong choice because it was better for him, just not for them. He only could wish that his death didn't affect everyone else so negatively, but he couldn't do anything about it now, so they all would have to live (or in Zexion's case, not live) with the consequences.

Back to Roxas; he was getting a terrible headache from the amount of people, dead and alive, around. Being a person who would usually keep to his own small friend groups, he couldn't deal with the constant need of manoeuvring around everyone, avoiding touch, and not talking to anyone in fear letting the truth about himself slip. Sora was off keeping Riku company, and Leon was speaking with Vexen, Zexion's dad, and offering his condolences. This left Roxas alone with no one to cling to. No one to trust. After Zexion's death, the death of one of his close friends, he had been more anxious about others. If Zexion could die so suddenly what's to say that no one else could do the same. Disappear from the eyes of others through means of death and pass by everyone unnoticed by all… It scared Roxas of his own curse even more, more than when he had first found out about it.

As he attempted to move out of the way of one person he fell against the front of another and, as he turned around to apologise, a chill ran down his spine. He looked up to see an old man, with dark skin, and a grey beard, staring down at him with crooked eyebrows and a confused look upon his face. He couldn't take his eyes away from him, something about his amber eyes were familiar and left an ache in Roxas' chest. This man…

"Roxas, what're you doing?" A gentle tap on his shoulder drew Roxas out of his impromptu staring competition with the old man and so he turned around yet again to see his brother. Sora looked concerned – Roxas couldn't let that happen. Staring off into space though, that mean that the man was as he had feared him to be. He looked over his shoulder for a moment and sure enough the old man was gone. So, he was a ghost…? Why did he seem so familiar though?

"Ah, it's nothing, I was just remembering stuff about Zexion and feeling a bit melancholic." He artfully evaded telling the truth as he was so used to doing, and in the spur of the moment added on, "Actually, I'm not really feeling well so I'm gonna go get some fresh air."

With that Roxas got up and left the hall with a wave goodbye to Sora and a promise to be back before the ceremony started. Zexion decided to stay at the hall due to idea of going to his own funeral being one of immense interest to him. He wanted to find out about what others would say in response to his sudden passing away, find out what people truly thought of him.

Exiting the hall, Roxas took a deep breath and began to walk with no particular place in mind, until he realised that just down the road was the train station and therefore the clocktower too. He could remember many a time that he would go up to the top of the clocktower with various different people, and each time he could remember being happy. With Xion before she moved away, with Sora, with Hayner, Pence, and Olette after the struggle tournament, with Zexion once upon a time when the blue haired teen had decided to run away from home… It was a place full of happy memories and he felt, somehow, that going there would make him happy and calm him down enough to attend his friend's funeral without acting weird or being overwhelmed by the people that surrounded him. And so, he went to the clocktower.

The journey was short and the climbing up to the top soothed him, feeling everything that he usually did when he climbed the stairs to the top, that took him a little closer to the sky.

When he reached the top, he inhaled and exhaled deeply, a zephyr passing him by as he stood atop the roof with eyes closed and worries dissipating. Something clung to him though, an emotion he couldn't quite name. It was faint but seemed to grow as he realised it's existence. Maybe it was because he was alone, maybe it was because he didn't have to keep up a façade around himself. He could be himself without worrying for everyone else before himself.

Before he knew it, he was crying.

The tears wouldn't stop and he could place a finger on what exactly he was crying for – he just knew he needed to cry. And so, he let himself. Everything in his life had been turned upside down, inside out, and back to front with recent events. He sincerely wished that things could be turned back to the way they were before when everything was everything was good…

Part of him wanted to blame Zexion for dying, but that was just pushing the blame on to someone who had their own reasons. Part of him wanted to blame his dads, but that was just pushing the blame onto people who loved him and wanted the best for him. Part of him wanted to blame Sora for being so different and not having the same curse he did, but, again, that was just pushing the blame on to his brother, who had no clue what was going on… It was so frustrating, being the way that he was with no particular reason for it and with no one to get angry at except for himself for being unable to deal with his stupid ability.

His pity party was seemingly cut short by footsteps approaching.

He dried his eyes and turned around to face the mystery person who was coming towards him.

The first thing that caught his eye was the fiery red hair. The person had stunningly red hair that was a vivid and as bright as the person's smile. He had teeth like a military graveyard, straight and obviously well looked after. It was quite a grin that this person was sporting, drawing Roxas' attention to his piercingly green eyes (and apparently, eyeliner?). That's when Roxas realised this person was indeed male and was… offering him an ice cream?

"Here's something sweet for a sweet guy such as yourself." The mystery boy spoke, a flirtatious tone lacing his voice.

"Uhm… thanks?" Roxas took the ice cream from the other boy's hand cautiously before speaking again.  
"This isn't… drugged or anything is it?" The notion of a stranger offering another any form of food or drink seemed to scream 'date rape', even though their meeting was not a date and that this person didn't seem like the kind of person who would do such a thing, as strange as his appearance and as flirtatious his words were.

"You wound me deeply, I just wanted to come to the rescue of a damsel that's depressed!" The red head stranger responded, mockingly hurt by the assumption. Okay, that was a little funny, and Roxas couldn't help but crack a smile.

"I'm no damsel, but I can't say I'm not depressed." He took a bite from the ice cream and realised it was the new sea salt one he'd had while at the beach. It was a nice flavour that definitely suited the situation he had found himself in and it was a reminder of when everything had started. Strangely fitting. Roxas didn't want to argue and this person seemed to be trustworthy so he left him be.

The two of them sat down on the edge of the clocktower and ate their ice creams together, in silence, allowing the peaceful atmosphere to envelop them. There were no words to be spoken between them but the mutual quiet somehow managed to calm down Roxas enough to make him feel ready to go back to the funeral.

It was weird. This stranger hadn't given him a name, wasn't particularly over friendly, or been prying into his reasons for being in such a place alone and it made Roxas better that way. This guy was nice.

But…

How nice could a person really be? How did he know he could really trust him? It was in his moment of doubt about himself that this person had appeared, so how did he know he wasn't being taken advantage of? What if this person was a ghost too? What would he do then? Would fate be so cruel as to let him meet someone, who was so unusually kind that also made him feel so secure, who would end up being a ghost too?

"You seem deep in thought there, wanna talk about it?" The red head spoke, green eyes glinting in the sunlight. His eyes shone with a need to know and made Roxas feel as if he could tell him. But no, he wasn't going to tell a stranger about his problems, especially not ones as complex as these ones.

"You never told me your name." Smooth, Roxas. A good change in conversation. Subtle and slick, not seeming rude and avoiding the question in a manner that didn't make it obvious. The stranger grinned and held out a hand.

"The name's Axel, got it memorised?" It was a peculiar way of introducing himself but charming in its own way; Roxas had to bite back a laugh. He shook his hand and smiled.

"Roxas. I'm Roxas Strifehart." It was only polite to give his own name in return.

"Well, Mr. Roxas Strifehart, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, what brings you to this fine establishment today in such a state?" Axel put on a false British accent in an attempt to be posh. So, he was trying to be a gentleman? Roxas could roll with this.

"Oh no, the pleasure is all mine Mr. Axel! I merely came to pass the time and avoid responsibilities on this good day. What about you, my dear friend?" He did his best to replicate the accent, but Axel seemed to have a much better grasp of it than he did. Axel seemed to have practiced it much more than at first appearance. The two of them made eye contact but it only served to throw them both off and they both laughed unable to keep straight faces.

"All seriousness though, what's a cutie like yourself crying up here for though?"

"Nothing much, it's just…" Roxas paused and considered telling this stranger the story. He had his suspicions that his person was a ghost but he wanted to cling to the possibility that he could be real. That Axel could be a real friend.  
"It's my friend's funeral today, and I guess I got a bit emotional you know?" Axel seemed a bit shaken from the words but didn't let it show for more than a second, resuming his overly confident aura.

"Want Axel to kiss away all the hurt? Maybe even something more than kisses?" He winked and Roxas rolled his eyes, giving him a light shove. He much preferred this joking atmosphere than to have Axel offer his condolences to someone he'd never even met. It was much better than being stuck in a depressive state all day. This was a nice break from it all.

"Yeah right! You're a dork, Axel." Roxas laughed and so did Axel. For some reason, Roxas doubted any sincerity or truth in those words, but they did cheer him up, that was for sure.

The two of them passed the time with jokes and Axel made more advancements in jest (at least Roxas hoped they were in jest, he didn't know how to deal with them if they were all serious), until Roxas' watch showed 2:43pm and he decided he had to leave and make his way back to the funeral if he was to make the ceremony at 3pm.

"Thanks for the ice cream Axel, it was nice. All of this was… really nice of you."

"No problem! Anything for my depressed damsel, and I mean anything." Another wink for yet another coquettish statement. Roxas had gotten used to it and he got up ignoring it. He began walking away when he turned around and looked at Axel who was still sitting there.

"Hey… Axel, can I ask..." He wanted to find out if he was a ghost or not... He didn't know if finding out sooner or later would be worse though. He took a deep breath and sighed.  
"I'll be able to see you again, right?"

"Of course, you will, Roxas. Whenever you want." The words made Roxas feel warm inside. There was no laugh or joking tone, it was truthful and that's all Roxas wanted. He didn't care if Axel was alive or not, he was just happy to have a friend who would talk to him.

He smiled and walked back to the cemetery holding his new-found memories close in his mind to put him at ease.

It wasn't until Roxas returned to the funeral that he realised, he had no way of contacting Axel. He felt like a complete twat for not asking for a phone number or organising for them to meet up again, properly.

He had little time to beat himself up over his small mistake though as Leon ran over to him as soon as he saw him, asking if he was okay and if everything was alright. He assured his dad that he was fine and they went and sat down next to Sora and Riku, with the ghost of Zexion hovering around nearby. Vexen began to speak.

"Thank you all for coming today. I'm sure it must have been surprising news to hear of the unfortunate event that befell Zexion when you did hear about it… I'm not the best when speaking about emotions or even with talking in front of too many people, but I loved my son so much… I'd always be busy with work and my research and I can admit that I didn't spend half as much time with him as I should have or would have liked to. I don't know how he felt towards me, because we'd never talk about such emotional things to each other and I realise now that I should have, especially since it's turned out like this, and I just wish… I hope he knew that I really did love him, even if he wasn't of my own blood. Now, there is someone who was related to him, and I believe he wanted to say a few words, so I'll hand you all over to Riku." Vexen's words were heartfelt, and, without looking over to Zexion, Roxas knew that his friend was touched by them. Roxas didn't know all too well the situation at home for Zexion but he could tell there wasn't the tightest bond between the boy and his adoptive father. The sincerity that Vexen was speaking with undoubtedly came as a shock to Zexion.

Riku thanked Vexen and stood in front of the people gathered for the funeral. He was all done up in a suit and tie, and had even tied his hair back for the occasion, he looked mature for his age and much more worn than he should have. The recent events had taken their toll on him and it was showing all too well. He cleared his throat and began to speak…


	5. Erratophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so quick warning: this chapter has a character going through a panic attack/breakdown (loads of swears, self doubt, aggressiveness, rly unhealthy coping - or lack of really) so if you don't wanna read something like that then there's your heads up
> 
> also i bet half of y'all are gonna be able to see where this is going, its not really the best kept secret

**_Erratophobia:_ **

****_Erratophobia (from Latin errat, meaning "mistake") is the fear of making mistakes._  
Sufferers of this fear work hard to avoid making mistakes.  
When they do make mistakes, it depends on the severity of it to the sufferer that defines the symptoms.  
It is triggered most commonly due to a mistake that had a devastating consequence on them, such as one that caused injury, death, or destruction **.**

**Riku had never imagined how much he'd end up blaming himself for Zexion's fate,  
and here he was facing the consequence of that.**

* * *

"I, uh, wasn't expecting to actually know so many people here, or well to be more specific, everyone here; I was sure Zex had some secret friends I didn't know about or something like that ahaha..." Riku really didn't know what to do now that he was there and standing up in front of everyone and put on the spot the way he had been. Sure, he'd come up with a rough plan of what to say, but he genuinely wasn't expecting to know everyone there and there was no way he'd get away with saying the generic sad emotional stuff. Or at least he thought so. There he stood racking his brain to try and think of some kind of anecdote or story to tell to remember the happy side of Zexion which, while it didn't come out often, was there (though some may claim it never existed to begin with). He kept talking as he thought of something, anything to lighten the mood with.

"Teenage death, especially suicide, is always difficult to, uh, get over, and Zexion was… He wasn't one of my closest friends, but it always seemed I was one of his, and I… I wish I'd spent more time trying to help him out? I mean, he never really said anything about wanting help or anything like that, but I just think that… Oh, there was one time actually, I remember well. Zexion was opening his locker at school and he was talking about a book he'd been reading, I forget the name," Riku stood pondering for a second, Zexion remembered which one it was, Blindness by Henry Green. He knew immediately which memory Riku was talking about. He had often questioned him about it after all.

"Uh, anyway, he was opening his locker and he stopped talking about the book and asked me if I could smell anything coming from his locker. If you know Zexion's school habits, he'd clean his locker every Friday, so it had this antibacterial smell to it and it was strong, let me tell you. I couldn't smell anything, but he insisted that he could smell vanilla, and sure enough there were vanilla pods in the corner of his locker. I have no clue how he could smell them over the cleanliness of his locker, but afterwards I started noticing him using vanilla scented stuff and you know what? It turns out that was his favourite and someone, god knows who, knew this and was leaving vanilla scented things in his locker. I think that was one of the only times I'd seen him smile properly, he seemed really happy that someone had noticed something so small about him…" He avoided making a short joke about his cousin, now didn't seem like the right time.

"People didn't really notice the little Zexion-esque things that he did, he was always kind of strange to the rest of us after all, not many people even noticed him. I mean, I can't think of anything specific, but he'd never share homework answers with me, even if there was the threat of detention or being chucked out of a class, it was always a mini lecture on how I should have done my own work beforehand aha…" As he was speaking, the room around him began to spin and the stares of everyone felt like fire on him. That wasn't normal. Was it because he was so nervous? Because he didn't want to sound silly?

Or maybe it was something else…?

People didn't really notice Zexion.  _Riku didn't really notice Zexion._  He should have done though. Zexion was his family. A blood relation. So why hadn't he been there for him? If Zexion was hurting so much why had Riku done nothing to help, why had he ignored it all and brushed it off as just some every day thing?

God, he was such an idiot. He was so blind. It was like he had a blindfold limiting his view, stopping him from seeing what was going on, but even that was an excuse. If only he'd paid more attention to his cousin, if only he'd talked to him more, if only he'd tried to include him, if only he let him know he could confide in him,  _if only._

Riku took a few deep breaths, remembering he was in front of everyone still and tried to calm himself down. He didn't need these thoughts in his head telling him what he couldn't do. It was too late for him now to try and change things, to try and tell Zexion how sorry he was…

One particularly shaky exhale left him feeling helpless to his emotions.

Zexion looked as if he was ready to jump out of his seat to try and calm down his cousin, tell him it was all okay, but someone else got there before him. A familiar hand grasped Riku's and a warm voice quietened with a soft hush.

"We're all going to miss him, a lot, so let's get this show on the road and send this boy into the afterlife happily, just how he would probably like to, come on Riku." Sora spoke, smiling in his casual way and dragged Riku away from in front of everyone. As he walked his friend down the aisle, away from the eyes of his judgemental relatives, friends, and acquaintances, and Zexion followed, ignoring the hushed pleas of Roxas.

The funeral continued.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Only when Sora had taken Riku away enough for them to be alone did Riku feel comfortable enough to let his emotions show. He punched the wall, hard enough that the impact cracked his knuckles with a resonating thud that lingered in the air longer than it should have. He sunk to the ground head buried in his arms, cross legged, breathing erratic and uneven as he finally felt free enough to drop his composed façade. There were no words to say, and Sora found himself in the uncomfortable position of having nothing to do or say that could help significantly. Zexion's death seemed be hitting him hard… He couldn't sit by and just do nothing when his best friend was in such distress though, that just wasn't right. But was it his place to involve himself?

Sora's thoughts were plain on his face, to Zexion, the same way Riku's were earlier in front of everyone. He wanted to help these two, help them talk and sort things out, or at the very least give Riku someone he believes he can confide in at any time. Sora and Riku were closer than anyone he ever knew, so it was strange to think that they still had things they felt as if they couldn't talk to each other about... He wondered if he could do something but there didn't seem to be anything…

Then he remembered it.

The bouquet with bittersweets that some kind soul had brought to his funeral. He didn't know if Riku remembered their chats from their morning walks to school but he knew that at more than once he'd told Riku the meaning of bittersweets. If Riku remembered then this would go well.

Ghost physics were weird to get used to, and Zexion was having a difficult time with them. If anyone living was touching something then he'd phase through it, if he held something then it wouldn't be visible to the human eyes, if he let go of said object then it would be visible again. More than once he'd failed to hold something Roxas had attempted to give him and even more than he'd scared the Strifehart family by making things disappear when he'd been looking at books and such. Anyway, he needed to get this possibly failure of a plan underway. He went back into the building and picked as many of the bittersweets out of the bouquet as he could and teleported to the roof above where Sora and Riku were, and he dropped them, letting them rain down upon his friends in a desperate attempt to fix this problem.

The small purple flowers floated down and lay to rest on and around Riku, softly falling in his hair and some even getting caught in Sora's hands. The scene was almost romantic, the flowers falling, the surprised look on both Sora and Riku's faces, the brief eye contact the two made in confusion…

"Riku, look at these pretty flowers! Who do you think they came from?" Sora asked, looked around and above to emptiness greeting him from all sides. Riku took one of the flowers was twirled it between his thumb and finger, the petals spinning slowly in a circle, a vague memory rising from his mind. A bittersweet… Zexion had told him once about the Victorians and how they send messages in flowers, a beautiful gesture that could sometimes mean a vicious thing. If his memory served him well, then a bittersweet meant to be truthful. His cousin had told him how once he had used bittersweets in his poetry,  _a bed of bittersweets before me_ , the line had stuck with him. Something to do with diving head first into the truth and relishing in it, rather than lying and hiding things away… If only Zexion had done that himself, he thought. It was almost too fitting to come and find him on the day of the funeral, with him hiding his feelings so strongly away from others, it was almost a sign telling him to tell the truth to Sora, to trust him.

"Sora, you're my best friend, right?" And he was going to tell him the truth.

"What sort of question is that? Of course I am!"

"Ha… You're right, you really are…" Sora was someone he could tell the truth to. It was the least the boy deserved after staying by his side for so long, without once faltering.  
"Can I… Tell you something?" It was difficult to say, something was trying to shove it down his throat to never emerge. His feelings overwhelming him, telling him he couldn't be trusted, that he wouldn't care, that he wouldn't want to hear his silly problems. But there was Sora, sitting down next to Riku, shoulders touching, smile on his face (maybe even nervous? Why for though Riku couldn't pinpoint), ready to listen, and the fear quelled somewhat. This was Sora – he was ready to accept anything. He wasn't going to judge him for having feelings.

Maybe he would though. Thinking quickly back to how he'd worded himself, it was as if he was setting up for a confession! He wasn't ready for that! He had the courage to tell him about Zexion, not about his  _romantic_  feelings though, that was for another time. He'd done such good job of hiding it so far, not wanting to potentially ruin their amazing friendship, and he was fine with that. He didn't need more than the lingering touches and shared smiles and happiness with the other boy. He was fully content with what he had now.

"You know you can tell me anything Ri, I'm always going to be your friend, no matter what." Sora put a hand on Riku's, eyes shut, smile still as wide as ever. Ouch, that hurt a little bit… It was a total friendzone move there. Yes, he was content being friends with Sora but with small statements like that he did feel a little hurt, after all he could always hope for more.

"Friends. Yeah…" He forced a smile and agreed. He was here to talk about Zexion, not Sora. He could focus on that. "I just… I know it sounds stupid, but… Well, I can't stop thinking about…" He took a deep breath to try and compose himself a little but even just trying to put it into words was making tears threaten to flow. "It's my fault Zexion's dead, isn't it?" The words were rushed and his entire body tensed with the words. "I mean, if was better at being a good cousin to him then it wouldn't be like this, would it? I fucked up so badly,  _so badly_ , and look what's happened! He'd always talk to me whenever we walked to school and I'd never listen to him, and I know that's fucking awful of me but he didn't seem to mind, and I remember bits and pieces of it but I wish I spent more time with him now. If I hadn't made so many mistakes in how I was around Zexion then he'd still be alive, it's my fault, I've practically  _killed_   _someone_  Sora! I fucked up so much…" He had promised himself to not cry over Zexion's death anymore, to be strong enough for others who were better to him than he was to lean on for support through these times, and yet here he was crying again. Zexion felt a sick feeling deep in his stomach. This was because of him that Riku was tearing himself up and in that moment, Zexion realised just how much of an impact he'd made on those around him. He'd been wrong. Things weren't going to be better without him around, and only now had that sunk in. The realisation hit hard…

Riku looked at Sora with watery, begging eyes, pleading for the boy to agree with him, to assure him that it was his fault. That his emotions were fully reasonable. Sora's eyebrows were furrowed, a frown on his face as he tried to understand what his friend was saying.

"What are you talking about Riku?" He couldn't believe his ears. Riku hadn't done anything wrong. He couldn't wrap his mind around his friend's way of thinking. Why was he blaming himself for such a thing happening, he had to know that there was no one who could have done anything to change the outcome. Sure, Sora didn't exactly know everything about Zexion or his life, but he knew Riku did a lot for his cousin – letting him stay round for weeks on end rather than going home, sharing all his textbooks and old clothes if they were ever needed, and even inviting him without fail to every one of their friend group get togethers even if the other didn't come half the time. Riku listening to him talk for 20 minutes every morning wasn't going to change the fact that Zexion was dead now.  
"It's not your fault at all! You have to know that, right?" He squeezed Riku's hand tightly, looking him in the eyes with concern. Riku didn't reply, he simply shook his head to disagree.  
"No one would ever dream of blaming you for what happened, it was out of any of our hands, please don't beat yourself up about this, you know it's not a mistake on your behalf, it's just, you know, it's just one of those things. It's okay Riku. I promise."

But Riku wasn't listening. His shoulders shaking as his breath came is shaky gasps and tears fell from his eyes in what seemed to be a never-ending stream of sadness never to be remedied by words or belief. He felt trapped. Stuck in a spiral of despair that only got deeper, spinning him round until he was sick from the mistakes he'd made.

It was frustrating, for Zexion, that his cousin was blaming himself, it was almost enough to make him want to cry himself. Who was Riku to say it was his fault? If only he could let him know that it wasn't.

"No, please, Sora, I honestly don't mind you telling me that it is, I mean I know I was so awful at being his friend considering that I'm his family, his blood relative, someone he should've been closer to. I know it's my own fault, please, Sora, just tell me it is, please, I don't want to make the same mistake again, I, I need to know that I fucked up – that someone else blames me – I deserve it, so please, please, tell me it's my fault." He couldn't stop himself from letting out a wretched sounding sob as he clung to Sora's hand with all his strength. He couldn't stop his pleas to be reprimanded for his mistake and he certainly couldn't stop his whole body from shaking.

Sora squeezed Riku's hand tightly and took a deep breath, eyes screwed shut and a grimace on his face. He let go of Riku's hand and cupped his friend's face between his hands, moving his face so they were looking each other in the eyes.

"No, Riku, I'm not going to lie to you like that! I'm telling you the truth! It's not your fault and it never will be, don't try and take all the blame yourself, because by that logic I fucked up and played a part in Zexion's death too – I was just as much his friend as you! Sure, you were family but who cares? We all cared about him just as much as you did because friends are the family you get to choose. So what if you were Zexion's second cousin or whatever, we were all his friends. You can't take the blame for something a situation as monumental as this!" He wiped away Riku's tears with his thumbs as the sobs dissolved into sniffles and hiccups of breath caught in his throat. He pulled him in close, arms wrapped around his neck as he hugged him tight. "Don't say those kinds of things about yourself, because I know you're a good person and I know you never meant for any of this to happen. I just wish you knew it's not a mistake that  _you_  made…" The two boys kept eye contact and stayed silent for a while, content to be in each other's company and just sit there holding hands and being understanding they'd come to the end of the conversation. Not much could be said. Riku didn't want to argue with Sora, the brunet had made good points that made sense when he took the time to rationally think them though. Sora felt no need to reiterate his points and was more than happy to just be there for his best friend with the prolonged skin contact. Zexion left the two childhood friends alone and returned to stand by Roxas and watch over his own funeral.

It was nice for Riku to realise that some mistakes were inevitable and that at least someone would be there for him. Sure, it seemed like it was his fault that Zexion had died, and he would think that way no matter what, but the reassurance that it wasn't just his own was enough to comfort him.


End file.
